


The Little Boys Go On Pretending

by iktwabrokenbone (apiculteur)



Category: The Yogscast
Genre: Angst, Coming Out, Fluff, M/M, Makeup, Multi, Nonbinary Character, Trans Character
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-08
Updated: 2015-11-08
Packaged: 2018-04-30 13:28:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,033
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5165519
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/apiculteur/pseuds/iktwabrokenbone
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Trott likes wearing makeup. Sometimes, he wishes he's a girl, resents his flat chest. Everyone did that sometimes though, right? It didn't mean anything, didn't have to mean anything.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Little Boys Go On Pretending

**Author's Note:**

> TW: v lil bit of dysphoria, nothing much tbh, n during one scene a character dissociates.
> 
> im bigender myself n have a hUge bigender trott headcanon stemming from the time he wore makeup n this one time that smith accidentally said 'she' instead of he which was p much defo a simple mistake but no one corrected him so its basically 100% concrete proof of bigender!trott trust me im an expert.

There were days when Trott only wanted to play video games with characters who were girls. He didn’t question it; Smith and Ross played as girls, too, and he was confident enough to not care what anyone thought. If it made people think he was gay- well, he was queer, close enough. Besides, he played up his effeminate side for YouTube sometimes, no one questioned it.

Using female characters meant nothing. Plenty of girls played as men in video games, if only because female characters were so lacking. It was maybe slightly stranger that there were days when he would look at himself, his flat chest and his body hair, his lack of curves, and wish he was a woman. Most people did that though, right? Or at least they would do something similar. Smith had mentioned wishing he could be a woman for a day, just to see what it was like. This was pretty much the same, and it wasn’t like it was every day. Often enough, he was perfectly comfortable and happy as a man.

Trott was less sure of that when he let a makeup artist put eyeliner and lipstick on him as a joke. Later on, Ross and Smith had kissed it away, smudged it into his skin, and helped him clean off the eyeliner. He had _liked_ having bright red lips and thick lashes, the feeling of a steady hand applying cool eyeliner. No wonder girls did it, wearing makeup was nice as fuck.

He hadn’t intended to ever wear makeup again, but he had been searching for painkillers in a drug store, and instead stumbled into the beauty isle. At first, he began to turn and resume his search, but his eyes caught on a small palette of shimmery, neutral eyeshadows, ranging from dark champagne to gold. Before, he wouldn’t have batted an eye at it, but now he was hesitating in front of it, staring in contemplation.

Would Smith and Ross make fun of him if they saw him with it? They were mean to him, but only as a joke. Right? But as much as he liked to think of himself as an accepting man, and had no problem with other men wearing makeup, it was different when it was _him_ who wore it. Maybe his boyfriends would think it was weird, or assume it was part of some kind of joke for the internet.

He picked it up, slightly shakily, and rushed to find the painkillers. It was for his girlfriend. If anyone asked, he had a girlfriend, and he was buying makeup for her. He gave the cashier his most confident look, met with a polite smile.

“Buying a gift for your girlfriend?” the cashier asked, scanning his items.

He nodded, laughing the way he did at family gatherings when he was talking to some distant relation he didn’t remember. “Yeah, it’s her birthday soon,” he lied, hoping they wouldn’t notice his jitters.

They looked understanding, and nodded. “Well, I hope she likes it, Sir. Have a nice day.”

Trott thanked them and left as fast as he could, relieved Smith and Ross were both out that night watching a movie. He hadn’t been interested in it, and his emerging headache had put him off the idea even more.

It gave him an opportunity to try out the eyeshadow, though. In all honesty, he would need the time, because he didn’t know what he was doing with it. He knew girls put more than one shade on their eyes, and could create cool gradients and everything, but his knowledge of how to achieve that look only stretched as far as ‘you use a brush to put it on your eyes’.

He consulted the internet, finding more videos and tutorials than he could ever need, about how to get certain looks, or how to blend out the colours better, and loads more shit Trott didn’t understand and was pretty sure he could hardly be arsed with.

Whatever. He used the little applicator things to put it on his eyelid, and all things considered, it wasn’t that bad. Nothing like how the makeup artists did Kim or Hannah’s makeup, but it looked decent. Trott smiled at his reflection. He liked this.

From then on, he built up a small stash of makeup; earth toned eyeshadows, pale lipsticks, mascara, and liquid eyeliner. He was still pretty bad at liquid eyeliner, the wings most of all, but he was proud of his ability to do the rest. Of course, his skills were nothing compared to most people who wore makeup, and had been practicing for years, but in two months he had became able to make himself look pretty enough.

He still hid it, as well as his increasing, still occasional wish to be a girl. It was just another thing which made him weird. Sometimes, though, he felt so much like himself when he wore makeup, so comfortable and happy with himself. Other days, he had no desire to wear it, but that only made things easier, so it didn’t bother him.

It reached a point when he had to question it, because that day, every single time someone referred to him as a man, said ‘he’, or anything even vaguely related to his gender, it made him want to scream. He didn’t understand it, why it was getting to him so much. Wishing to be a woman was one thing, but getting upset like this because people treated him like a man? He doubted any of his friends acted like this.

He retreated to the kitchen, leaning against a counter with a cup of tea and his phone. He had told his boyfriends that he had a headache and wanted a break, and they had told him to take a couple painkillers and come back when he was feeling a bit better.

He searched his phone for a cause, but all that came up was men getting angry about how they had to been manly and confident. Part of him knew it was probably to do with trans, something along those lines, but he didn’t understand. Half the time he was happy being a man, and whilst he didn’t have a problem at all with trans people, it was never something he had completely understood. He had never knowingly met someone trans, aside from a few fans, and had never ended up learning what it really meant, other than the basics.

Kim found him, shaky and nervous, still in the office kitchen. “Hey Trott,” she said carefully. “How’re you doing?”

Trott smiled, a bit tense. “Fine.”

“Um, the other day it looked like you had been wearing lipstick and it didn’t come off properly? And like you had mascara on?” she said, breaching the subject delicately. She was fiddling, glancing around, as if she was worried it would make him angry if she mentioned it.

Trott was stiff, his muscles not moving. He didn’t think anyone would notice. He couldn’t back out of this; she was phrasing it like a question, but he knew that she was sure of it. “I did?” he offered, quiet.

She nodded. “Well, I had a bit of makeup that doesn’t really suit me, but it looks like it would suit you.” she said. “I could bring it in tomorrow if you wanted. And you know I’m pretty bad at makeup, but if you want any tips, I could try to help.”

Trying to relax, Trott gave her a nod. “That’s- that would be nice. Thanks, Kim.”

She smiled. “Great. Can I get a hug now?” She reached her arms towards him, and Trott laughed.

“Sure,” he agreed, leaning down a bit to wrap his arms around her. She giggled when they pulled apart, and moved to grab a drink from the fridge.

“I’d better go record now. See ya, Trouty.”

She left, and Trott was left feeling amazed that he had somehow managed to get through that conversation. He needed to thank Kim for being so calm about it, for not judging him. He sighed, heading back to the recording room.

***

Trott was becoming less able to avoid his suspicions. Maybe he was wrong. Maybe this was just a weird phase, and he would remember that he was just a man at some point, but he wasn’t hopeful. He felt ill as he searched up ‘transgender’ on google. After an hour, he was working his way through a genderqueer wiki. It was strange, how many more genders he had learned in the space of an hour. He had been vaguely aware of non-binary, but it hadn’t crossed his mind as something he could be.

Bigender. He had caught on that gender as soon as he saw the name. He sometimes felt like a man, and sometimes like a… woman. He was coming to accept that. There were people like him. Bigender sounded like him. Experiencing two genders, whether at the same time or swapping between the two.

Shit. Trott was trans. ‘Trott’ and ‘trans’ didn’t seem like words that should be in the same sentence. He didn’t feel different to anyone else. He just felt like Trott, and he happened to sometimes not be a man. Fuck, what would Smith and Ross think of this? Would they want to break up with him? Would they still be his friend? How would his parents react? Would they want to disown him?

Fucking hell, Trott wished he didn’t have to think about this. He wished he could force himself to forget, to live just as a man all the time. Maybe it would work sometimes, but he knew it couldn’t always work. This wasn’t new, his feelings. They had only gotten stronger over the years, more frequent. Coming out as bisexual had been hard enough, he didn’t want to go through that again. To make it more difficult, Trott would want people to use ‘she’ when he was a woman, so they couldn’t pretend to themselves that he was still just a man.

Right now, Trott was a man. He could ignore this for a bit longer.

***

It was a guy day, but he still felt like wearing makeup. It was like that sometimes- makeup wasn’t gendered, and now he was aware he was bigender, he realised whether or not he wanted to wear makeup was rarely influenced by the gender he was that day. Hiding this from his boyfriends was becoming increasingly hard. Even if it was just the secret of his gender he had to worry about, it was hard enough. With the addition of him wearing makeup occasionally- more often as time passed- it was near impossible. A slip-up was inevitable. He was amazed it took months before it happened, rather than weeks.

It was Ross who found him, finishing off his makeup with a pale lilac lipstick. He narrowly avoided tarnishing his face with a streak of the purple, jumping back and almost dropping his lipstick. He didn’t move, biting down on his tongue as they made eye contact via the mirror. He didn’t want to turn and meet his eyes directly. This was too much already. Maybe if he was still, quiet, Ross wouldn’t notice the black eyeliner and pale lips, how full his lashes were.

No such luck. Not that Trott had really expected it to work. In the recent weeks, he had played this situation over in his head often, the thought always making him nervous. In his mind, he had never finished talking to either of them; it had came to an abrupt end as his heart started beating too fast, and his head became light, so he just stopped thinking.

Now, he couldn’t just stop thinking and wait for the problem to go away. “Trott?” Ross asked, confusion clear. “Why’re you wearing makeup? I mean, not that you don’t look hot. You’re always bangable.”

Trott laughed despite his nerves, turning around to face Ross and lean against the sink. “Yeah? Bangable?”

“‘Course you do,” he mumbled, shuffling closer to Trott so he could kiss him. He pulled away all too soon, sighing. “Wanna tell me why you’re wearing this, and why you looked so damn guilty? How long you been hiding this, Trottie?”

Trott preferred just kissing Ross to having difficult conversations with him. “I think Smith should be around for this chat.” One thing was for sure, he couldn’t say this twice, and he didn’t want to prioritise one boyfriend over the other when he was telling them.

Ross accepted this with no protest. “Sure. I’m going to get a cup of coffee. Want one?”

Trott nodded. “I’ll just-” He gestured to his makeup, making Ross frown. He knew Ross wanted him to keep it on, was trying to show that he supported Trott, but it would only make him more uncomfortable when he told them.

He joined Ross in the sitting room after a few minutes, face clean. It was another half an hour before Smith came home, during which he and Ross spoke as if everything was normal. Ross was calm about everything, so far; concerned by how worried Trott was, sure, but otherwise unbothered.

Smith could tell something was going to happen as soon as he came through the door. When he saw their faces, the way they were sitting a tad too far apart, he closed his mouth and frowned. Trott shuffled to the side to make space for him on the sofa, letting him sit down, looking between Ross and Trott. Trott saw Ross brush his hand across Smith’s, reassuring him it was okay.

“Hey guys, what’s up?” he asked.

Ross shrugged, letting Trott speak.

“I like wearing makeup,” he said. How was he supposed to start this conversation?

“Yeah, and?” Smith looked as if he had been expecting a breakup speech, not examples of things Trott enjoyed. “You’re not acting like this just because of some fucking makeup, right?”

Trott huffed, nodding his head minutely. “Yeah, there’s more. You guys know what trans is, yeah?” he began. Those words were more difficult to force out than any he had ever said before, even when he invited Smith to join his and Ross’ relationship.

They glanced between each other, both murmuring agreement. “So you’re a woman?” Ross asked. He was doing the face he did when he was purposefully trying not to react too much. It was endearing, seeing him try so hard to seem casual about this. He couldn’t possibly take this in his stride.

“No. Not always. I’m something called bigender. It’s a type of trans, but I’m still a boy sometimes. I just kind of go between the two, I can’t control it,” he said. He felt like he wasn’t in his body, like he was watching this from the outside, the words his own, but he didn’t choose them, didn’t feel himself speak them. This was something he knew the answer to, a simple question that didn’t force him to think too much.

“When did you find out?” Smith asked.

“Two, three months ago?” he said. “Maybe not that long. I started wearing makeup and then I realised.”

“But, like, how do we know when you’re a man or a woman?”

Trott wasn’t even sure which of them asked that. His ghost clattered back into his body as the questions stopped being things he knew the answers to, things he understood and could easily respond to. He felt sick, and couldn’t respond with anything more than a shake of the head. He was terrified. This was the most afraid he had been. Never before had he said out loud that he was trans, and now here he was, coming out to the two people he loved most.

“Okay, that’s fine. We’ll figure out the details later,” Ross said.

“Do you still want to date me?” he asked. He was aware of his voice cracking, of how weak and desperate he must sound, but he couldn’t bring himself to care. Emotion had never felt so much like nausea.

Smith slipped a hand over his shoulder, pulling him into his side as Ross reached over Smith to hold his hand. “ _Yes_ , of course, Trottie-too-hottie. You’re a fuckin’ prick, but I guess we love you anyway,” he said.

“Twat,” Ross agreed. Trott gave a hoarse laugh.

“Okay. Good.”

***

They didn’t talk about it for the rest of the evening, or any of the following day. Trott was still a man, his boyfriends didn’t want to upset him by bringing up the subject, and Trott didn’t want to think about it until he had to.

It wasn’t until the third day of them knowing that he had to give in. He didn’t think about his gender until noon, but when he did, her stomach dropped. She couldn’t avoid talking about this anymore, not if any implication that she was a boy would make her flinch.

It must’ve been clear on her face, the agitation, because Smith put an arm around her and kissed her head. “Want me to get Ross?” he asked, and she nodded.

She sat down at the table, hands cupped around her coffee, until her boyfriends came and sat at the table with her.

“So. Wanna talk about this?” Ross asked, rubbing her knee under the table.

“Sure,” she sighed, rubbing her eyes. “It’s unpredictable when I’m a man or a woman. Right now, I’m a woman. Uh, saying ‘she’ would be nice. I’ll come out to the office at some point, I guess? For now, I’ll just tell you if I’m a man or a woman.”

The other two listened attentively. “Sounds good,” Smith said.

“This is all okay?” she confirmed, getting an eye-roll from Ross.

“Think you could get rid of this easy, did you?” he laughed. “You’ll have to try harder than that, fucking asshole.”

Trott breathed out a laugh. “I’m just trying to make you guys fuck off. Why is it so hard.”

Smith gave her cheek a rough kiss. “Fuck you! Keep trying, bloody _prick_ ,” he said through gritted teeth.

Trott rolled her eyes. She would have to up her game to get rid of those fuckers.

**Author's Note:**

> nonbinary is more than just genderfluid n agender


End file.
